Thursday, August 19, 2010

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

I cried today. I cried for someone I have never met, but someone whose pain I could feel through the thousands of miles and billions of gallons of water that separate us.
I cried today. I cried for one of my closest friends whose heart does not deserve to be broken by someone who knows what it feels like to have their feelings trampled.
I cried today. I cried for all the people around me whose pains I may never know, whose lives I may never understand, but whose emotions I share.

And I was asked by someone why I cared. "Why are you reacting to something that has nothing to do with you?" I was dumbfounded. I was at a loss for words. I let the silence stagnate and then changed the subject. But it stuck with me. Why do I care? Why DON'T you? Every single person walking this planet is connected in some way, shape or form. We are all living our lives, trying to get by, and struggling. We are all writing our stories. We all want to be heard. It would be amazing if every one of us took the time to listen outside our own hearts. Imagine for a moment just how infinitely better our world would be if only we cared about each other a little more?

I've been trying to sleep for hours. All I do is toss, and turn, and flick my eyes open just enough so that I can scowl at walls and ceiling. There are things heavy on my heart tonight. And no matter how I try, I can't push them away and hide them in a corner outside myself. Not tonight.


First...The prettiest flower, Rose! ((R"S"P)): You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You could easily have given up and lain down and let it all eat you up. You could be a puppet, controlled by those around you. You aren't. You are beautiful, and strong-willed. You will make it through all the things and people that threaten to tear you down, and you'll come out the other side even stronger for it. You may collect a few battle scars along the way, but scars are just a way of showing the world that you are a survivor and you will always come back fighting. And I will always be there to fight right along with you.

Second...But FIRST in my heart! ((Brat)): I wish you could see yourself as I see you. You are so much more than the reflection in the mirror! (Which, for the record, IS GORGEOUS just the way it is!) You're funny; you make me laugh. And you get me. You get me in a way that no one else really ever has, and that means more to me than I can probably ever articulate. You're talented, and smart, and easy to talk to. You never allow me to feel alone. Even when we bump heads, I know that it won't last long, because I know that we are both just strong personalities. And even if you don't believe in it...I will never stop telling you how much I love you.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Confidence, shmonfidence.

Do you ever have those nights when you just want to SCREAM? When it feels like your matter is at war and every little cell underneath your skin is trying to jump out of the chaos of your body and find somewhere sane and stable to live?


((I WANT TO BE SANE AND STABLE))


I'm such a freak. I don't even want to live in my own skin right now.  Oddly enough, I've been hearing things lately about what great self confidence I have. "I wish I had your confidence!" Every time I hear that, I want to strangle the person and scream "MY CONFIDENCE IS SHIT, YOU DOLT!" But that would be rude, right? So instead, I smile and thank them. Outwardly, I guess I seem confident. I can talk to anyone about anything and I rarely get awkward. I don't hate myself or even the way I look. But does that equal confidence? I don't think so. I think it just means that I know myself. ((Do I know myself? Sometimes I feel like do. Other days, I think I haven't even scratched the surface of what goes on in my warped brain...)) When I think of confidence, I think of someone who carries them self like they're at the top of the world. I think of someone who really believes that they are amazing. Wonderful even. Confident people believe that they are talented and can get anything they want out of life. They draw people to them with their magnetism and charm. That is SOOOO not me. I think I'm capable of some things. Far from wonderful. Hardly amazing. Definitely not charming and magnetic. But ya know what? Fuck it. I am who I am and I'm not changing. I'm comfortable with that. So if confidence is defined by resignation...maybe that's exactly what I am.