Do you ever have those nights when you just want to SCREAM? When it feels like your matter is at war and every little cell underneath your skin is trying to jump out of the chaos of your body and find somewhere sane and stable to live?
((I WANT TO BE SANE AND STABLE))
I'm such a freak. I don't even want to live in my own skin right now. Oddly enough, I've been hearing things lately about what great self confidence I have. "I wish I had your confidence!" Every time I hear that, I want to strangle the person and scream "MY CONFIDENCE IS SHIT, YOU DOLT!" But that would be rude, right? So instead, I smile and thank them. Outwardly, I guess I seem confident. I can talk to anyone about anything and I rarely get awkward. I don't hate myself or even the way I look. But does that equal confidence? I don't think so. I think it just means that I know myself. ((Do I know myself? Sometimes I feel like do. Other days, I think I haven't even scratched the surface of what goes on in my warped brain...)) When I think of confidence, I think of someone who carries them self like they're at the top of the world. I think of someone who really believes that they are amazing. Wonderful even. Confident people believe that they are talented and can get anything they want out of life. They draw people to them with their magnetism and charm. That is SOOOO not me. I think I'm capable of some things. Far from wonderful. Hardly amazing. Definitely not charming and magnetic. But ya know what? Fuck it. I am who I am and I'm not changing. I'm comfortable with that. So if confidence is defined by resignation...maybe that's exactly what I am.
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