Freedom is a four letter word.

I feel like I'm toxic. Like every single thing I touch is destined to be tainted. I've been so...well, not exactly happy per se...but peaceful lately. Not everything was perfect, but it was perfectly okay. I should have known it was only the calm before the storm.

I feel as though there is a storm raging in me.

And at the same time, I'm in the middle of it. Lost at sea. Trapped in the torrential downpour and unable to find the shore. Sometimes, I quite literally feel like I'm drowning: I have to fight to get the oxygen into my lungs. Why can't I just let it all go? I wish it was as easy as that. My past is full of ghosts. They chain themselves to my legs and drag along with me no matter where I go. They weigh down my heart. Sometimes I can ignore them...carry on as if they weren't really there. But eventually, fatigue sets in. It makes me feel spineless; always trying to outrun my demons instead of facing them head on. Even when I do, I still haven't found a way to beat them. They clobber me from all sides until I finally retreat to lick my wounds, even more broken than before. It's an endless cycle. I want to know what it feels like to close my eyes at night and hear nothing but the sounds of crickets and wind. I'd kill to have to the constant pressure that has lodged itself into the back of my throat and the middle of my chest gone, so that I can know what it is to take a deep breath and feel release. Instead, it is as though everything I want to say, everything I'd love to articulate, is trapped. I am trapped.

I just want to be free.