Honestly. Insanely. Deeply. Ferociously.

I was listening to this song today. Just another sad love song and there are a million others exactly like it. I listen to them everyday, and sometimes they make me think and feel things. Strong things. True things. And sometimes they don't. Sometimes, they're just words given a rhythm and set to music. Just words. They don't make me pause. But today, listening to this song, for some reason...I paused. It caught me so off guard. One second I was washing dishes, not really paying any attention, and the next I'm sitting at my kitchen table writing this. It feels like it was written for me, this song. And in some weird cosmic way, maybe it was. Maybe it was written about some other girl somewhere, but maybe also so I could hear it. And pause.


I'm pausing. 


I used to be so sure about love. Knew that I had been in love and knew exactly what it was. What it feels like to love. Most of the time, I still think I do. What I have become unsure of is whether or not I've ever been loved. Really loved. Honestly. Insanely. Deeply. I've never felt loved like that, not by anyone outside of my immediate family, but I believe I could. I believe it exists. It's what all the poets write about, and what every musician sings about, and it is what a soldier fights for. It's why we breathe. And it is the reason we associate our most vital organ, the very core of our being, our hearts, with it. Because our love defines us. It is not something you settle for.


I am always settling.


I settle for no credit (even though credit isn't the point...) for the things that I do. I settle for selfish, inconsiderate friends (not all of them...) who consistently put me last. I settle for being told I am inadequate (sometimes, by myself...) and I settle for believing it. I deserve more. But I settle. Over and over again. So I suppose this is a promise to myself;  I won't settle when it comes to things I love. Not anymore. I deserve to chase my passions. I'm going to throw everything I have into doing this whole writing thing, because I love it. Ferociously, I love it. And instead of accepting the love I convince myself I deserve, I'm going to work on believing I deserve better. Because I do. I deserve to be loved. Honestly. Insanely. Deeply. Ferociously. And so do you.


We deserve to be loved.