I am still...

Feeling so unbelievably inspired right now, but the words won't stick. They're rushing through my brain a million miles a second and I can't grasp them. I think I'm sleep deprived. I'm stutter stuck. The air outside is the kind that tastes of stories and whirs with life. It is as heavy as electricity and as light as forever. It dances. I smell victories in the breeze and I am reminded of what it felt like to be young. I am still young. But there is added gravity with each passing year and I'm struck by the distinct feeling that 24 is a 10,000 years from 23. And 25 is only 20 million heartbeats away (give or take...). I miss being carefree. Top down, driving way too fast down a dirt road, hands up, hair loose, heart open. I pay too much attention to stop signs now. When did I discover speed limits? I am still racing towards nothing. Staring into darkness, I know the barren fields are there, behind this house. Knee high by the fourth of July, and I am always running wild through them. Daffodil pollen coats the inside of my nostrils and I am home. Bold enough to grow wherever there are roots. I want this. I am still wanting him. Bonfire smoke is in the wind. I am blazing like the embers, dying while I'm trying not to burn out. Trees with fingers like corpse hands gloved with green reaching up and out and away. I know the feeling all too well. We were children here. When did we grow so far apart? I am still finding out where I fit. So much more than mere memory, cotton candy sticky sweet somethings. Stumbling through the alley in the dark. Baseball diamond strip tag. Sleeping bags on top of the school. Rolling down a hill in a green plastic tube, singing "I WILL SURVIVE" at the top of our lungs. The air is restless. I am still.